"Admit"

Admit represents a disturbing theme of Lent...it brings up a challenging theme of this sabbbatical...admit...If you are like me, admit is not a favorite word. Just ask my wife and she will tell you that I have a slight (that's me putting it nicer than she would) problem with admitting when I am wrong. I am good at making excuses and blaming...I am actually quite a pro at such avoidance tactics, but admitting does not come easily. Strong walls come up with the suggestion that it is time to admit anything. These walls tell me such convincing lies as, "Admitting your shortcomings will leave you vulnerable," "Admitting your weaknesses makes you weak," "Admitting your faults makes you less." And so when it is time to admit anything, it would seem that strong lines of defense raise up from deep within to wage an all-out war to keep me from being completely honest with myself, those I love and even my Father in Heaven.

Each time I face this impending war, I realize that "admit" is the key that unlocks my door to greater freedom. However, that door will not be unlocked unless I choose to make the word admit a choice of my will. The will is a powerful gift from God. It is dangerously powerful. My will is the place where God has established a "no trespassing sign." Think about that...the Almighty limits his power in respect to my will. That means that my choice allows me to genuinely and freely choose between life and death, blessing and curses. And perhaps before every other choice lies the choice to admit or not admit. For instance, will I admit a need, a hurt, a fear, a desire, a regret, a struggle, a dream...?

These past five weeks I have been challenged to make a choice to admit many things to God and thus to myself. For example, in week five of my sabbatical I admit that I am more soul-tired than I had even been willing to see. I also admit that while I am not one to be controlled by what people think at large, I do have a few people in my life that I sometimes allow their approval to be more driving than God's approval. I admit that I am ready for God to show me who he wants me to be as a pastor and not what I or other voices may think.

Each time I let God give me the strength to admit before him what is for good or for bad inside of me, God turns a dark door knob and opens before me new light...bright light...glorious light...hope-filled light...awe-inspiring light...bright light that hurts my eyes at first glance, but as my once-darkened eyes adjust I smile in joy as I see in a new way.

Admitting requires intense honestly with oneself and with God. It is something that my natural self always initially resists, but, by God's grace, whenever I stop resisting and make a choice of my will to simply admit, it is amazing how light chases away the darkness.